I’ve been feeling kind of nauseous and sick all day, I’m pretty sure it’s the weather. It kind of freaks me out this feeling, reminds me of being hung over.
Today I went to a small discussion meeting. We spoke about step 1 – life being unmanageable, and keeping it simple.
When I think about my life being unmanageable, I have to remember to keep it simple with myself.
I wasn’t drinking every day, I had or I guess I have good grades, and on the surface, a bright future. I say on the surface because I have the chance for a bright future, if I’m not drinking.
When I think about my life having been, or being unmanageable, I sometimes try to convince myself that maybe I can manage some drinking here and there. I think back and want to believe that my life was manageable when I was drinking. However, when I am honest with myself, my life was far from manageable.
There were so many times that I was so drunk, I could have died. The only reason I’m still alive and well today is because I was lucky. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m grateful that I was lucky, and that the alcoholism has not killed me yet.
It makes me happy to think about how life without drinking is manageable. That fear, the fear that I will end up being unable to move, say something inappropriate to the wrong person, having bad behaviours caught on video.. the fear is gone if I don’t drink.
It’s simple, if I drink, I will ruin my life.
Even though I know drinking could have killed me already, I’m not scared, because I am just not drinking today. I didn’t drink yesterday, and I’m not drinking today. That’s how I am keeping it simple.