Keeping it simple

I’ve been feeling kind of nauseous and sick all day, I’m pretty sure it’s the weather. It kind of freaks me out this feeling, reminds me of being hung over.

Today I went to a small discussion meeting. We spoke about step 1 – life being unmanageable, and keeping it simple.

When I think about my life being unmanageable, I have to remember to keep it simple with myself.

I wasn’t drinking every day, I had or I guess I have good grades, and on the surface, a bright future. I say on the surface because I have the chance for a bright future, if I’m not drinking.

When I think about my life having been, or being unmanageable, I sometimes try to convince myself that maybe I can manage some drinking here and there. I think back and want to believe that my life was manageable when I was drinking. However, when I am honest with myself, my life was far from manageable.

There were so many times that I was so drunk, I could have died. The only reason I’m still alive and well today is because I was lucky. I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I’m grateful that I was lucky, and that the alcoholism has not killed me yet.

It makes me happy to think about how life without drinking is manageable. That fear, the fear that I will end up being unable to move, say something inappropriate to the wrong person, having bad behaviours caught on video.. the fear is gone if I don’t drink.

It’s simple, if I drink, I will ruin my life.

Even though I know drinking could have killed me already, I’m not scared, because I am just not drinking today. I didn’t drink yesterday, and I’m not drinking today. That’s how I am keeping it simple.

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