When I passed the 1 month mark, I said to my roommate that it hadn’t been hard yet to not drink. Well two weeks later this past weekend, it started to question my commitment.
At first I was just out for sushi with some friends. I had a fun time, ate great food and was feeling good. Well, I guess if I’m honest, I felt a bit left out of the social scene since I was older than most of the girls there. Overall though, I was happy I went.
Afterwards, I decided to go hang out with my friend at her house before she went out. In hindsight, I should have left before 10 pm . I was tired from working late the night before, but I just didn’t want to leave.
She was going to a party that night, and her housemate was trying to cover her shift at work so she could go to the bar. Sitting there, listen to people talk about the life that used to be mine, I started to doubt my will to not drink again.
The next day, I went to an open speaker meeting on Sunday morning which was great. I also had the chance to spend time with a new friend afterwards.
She told me about how after a year of not drinking, she thought, Oh, maybe I don’t have a problem. Maybe I was wrong about inheriting this condition from my dad. Sooner than later, she found herself wanting to leave her boyfriend’s house (where she could only have 1 or 2 drinks) to go home and drink more. That’s when she realized she really was addicted to alcohol and the only solution was to quit.
I find her experience very helpful, since my mind tries to convince me that maybe my dad was wrong, maybe I am ok.
Yesterday, I was exhausted from working Monday and Tuesday night, while waking up early for school. I called my mom to say that since the weekend, I had been questioning my ability to not drink again. I assured her that it wasn’t like I was about to pick up the bottle that night, I was just questioning the long game.
I knew that being tired was a part of it. When I’m tired, I find it difficult to evaluate how I truly feel. Am I sad? Or just tired. Giving up? Or just tired.
My dad and I spoke on the phone tonight. He told me that it’s normal for your mind to play tricks on you. He told me that it would take time to become comfortable with my new life, to create good memories without drinking.
That night, after trying to fall asleep for a while, I just started crying. I sat up and turned on the light and I just let myself cry, let myself feel. So I just sat there, crying.. and after about 10 minutes, I stopped crying. I felt better. I didn’t feel like I needed to call anyone to make me feel better. I sat there, feeling more at peace, until I was ready to go to bed.
Today I realized that feeling that kind of intense emotion only lasts so long when you let it come to the surface. I’m still tired today but I know that it doesn’t mean I don’t have the strength to not drink today.
To bring a smile to your day, here’s a meme that made me laugh this morning.