Fear and “slips”

Yesterday at a meeting, one of the topics that we discussed was fear. It’s one of those loaded words, even just looking at it written on the whiteboard gave me shivers.

Lately I have been feeling what I think is fear, but for the first time I fear what I can control instead of what I can’t.

In the past, I have always feared the things I can’t control in the future, like will I find a partner? Will I have a family?

Lately, I have felt fear creep up on me when I realize that only I am responsible for my own sobriety. Nothing is stopping me from picking up a drink, it’s the one thing that I am completely in control of.

I realize as I write this, the fact that I am in complete control of my not  drinking should result in the opposite of fear.

I remember someone making a joke about how people don’t have “slips” back into drinking, that it’s a calculated choice. A slip would be that you feel on a banana peel, and at the same time a beer truck stalled in front, the back door opened and a beer spilled into your mouth while you were lying on your back from the banana peel… that would be a slip.

I keep reminding myself that to help dispel my fear about being too in control, I just have to take it one day a time… I’m not drinking today.

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2 thoughts on “Fear and “slips”

  1. Haha that is funny!- the banana part.

    I have almost 1.5 years and I have that fear sneak back in from time to time. But, I think it’d be a little strange if it never crossed our minds. It was a huge part of our lives! But I like this quote in the Living Sober book (section 4) “Afterward,anyone who wants the old days again is perfectly free to start them all over. It is your right to take back your misery if you want it. On the other hand, you can also keep the new picture of yourself, if you’d rather. It, too, is yours by right.”

    I might have a few nice nights of that warm feeling wine brought me, and “classy” nights out, but soon it’d be be physically in pain again, depressed, and in a really dark place. I find it helps me reshape my fear in a more positive way, if that makes sense :p

    Liked by 1 person

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