Yesterday at a meeting, one of the topics that we discussed was fear. It’s one of those loaded words, even just looking at it written on the whiteboard gave me shivers.
Lately I have been feeling what I think is fear, but for the first time I fear what I can control instead of what I can’t.
In the past, I have always feared the things I can’t control in the future, like will I find a partner? Will I have a family?
Lately, I have felt fear creep up on me when I realize that only I am responsible for my own sobriety. Nothing is stopping me from picking up a drink, it’s the one thing that I am completely in control of.
I realize as I write this, the fact that I am in complete control of my not drinking should result in the opposite of fear.
I remember someone making a joke about how people don’t have “slips” back into drinking, that it’s a calculated choice. A slip would be that you feel on a banana peel, and at the same time a beer truck stalled in front, the back door opened and a beer spilled into your mouth while you were lying on your back from the banana peel… that would be a slip.
I keep reminding myself that to help dispel my fear about being too in control, I just have to take it one day a time… I’m not drinking today.