So I kind of just fell of the WordPress grid over the last four weeks.
I’m back home now after my trip, starting to direct my energy back into the activities that made me feel good, like writing.
What happened? Long story short, I received an email from my school and learned that I was half a credit short to graduate. Total screw up on my part… I was lucky that my school gave me an option, I could complete an 80 hour research paper in the next 10 days if I wanted to still graduate in June.
I decided to bite the bullet and complete the project. The topic was actually very interesting and overall I enjoyed the report, but it took over my life. The hardest part was when I was approaching the mid-point in Paris. I felt torn… I had a hard time trusting my own judgment.
At that point, I had decided that I would throw myself into the project over the next leg of the trip, but I found it difficult to not worry that I had underestimated the time I needed.
I’ve always turned to crying when I am stressed and fear the future. It was especially hard on my sister, who felt like she didn’t know what to say, what to do, or even what to think.
I felt bad, I knew I was being selfish by just letting myself lose it, rather than try to keep it together. Again, I felt torn… I felt like I didn’t have the emotional and spiritual maturity I needed to essentially keep my sh*t together.
After those days in Paris, I buckled down on the project and everything worked out just fine. But I definitely learned something about myself.. I have a long ways to go.
I reassured my sister that these episodes were normal, which was true. Since I stopped drinking, I started experiencing these kind of episodes.. Sometimes I would describe them as a mild panic attack, when my heart rate goes fast and all I want to do is leave where I am, but usually I just cry hysterically for about 10 minutes, and then they start to fade.
I know this is happening for two reasons. One, I’m scared.. I’m scared that I’ll start drinking again, I feel scared when I imagine what my life could have been.. The second is that I’m starting to feel my emotions, rather than push them down with alcohol and food.
Initially, and even now a bit, I wasn’t too worried about these episodes. I think it’s good that I’m letting everything come up, but I realize now I need to start dealing with how I feel in a more constructive way.
At the end of the trip, I had a couple of these episodes while we were out, both within the same day. The underlying reason was that I felt physically exhausted, and I just lost it.
I know I need to learn how to deal with my thoughts so I can keep it together in public. Part of that is making the decision to stay home, to put myself first, but I also need to be ready for situations when I have to be out while feeling vulnerable.
We’ll see what happens, but I’m happy to be home. Taking it one day at a time..
Photo by Martin Reisch